By the way, may I confess to you random blog readers... I am so unworthy of writing or even talking about the father to you, but i want someone to know just how much grace and love He has shown to me. Well that variety of things never satisfied. Trying to find acceptance by knowing as many people as possible. Having sex with a girl that you knew would probably not be your wife. Finding acceptance in her. Drinking to "make the problems better" haha. No, honestly just to fit in. I tried it all... Tried to even do all the right things like not drink, not have sex, say the right words, read my Bible, say a few selfish prayers.
Gosh... i was so broken and I am still broken. And finally someone (well ultimately God through this someone) took the time to tell me that everything that I ever did was already taken care of... someone told me that everything i went through... (from a broken heart, loneliness, to a broken family)... that someone said that stuff had purpose nathan. It was not just wasted. Its nothing you should want any other way. Someone besides you is in control. N0w... lets rewind... in eighth grade i was "emotionally saved" i guess you could say i realized i had sin and could not remove it and only Jesus could. But that was just that. I did not know what to do after that. I honestly can say my life did change after that. I did so much of the right stuff. I depended on God when times got tough. I did a devotion every night. Then times got so hard that I started drinking and doing other things to satisfy myself.
I want to suggest that I did not really even know what being a Christian was really about. Yes, I looked great on the outside after that eighth grade experience, but it ended bad because I did not know that I had to die myself, surrender my all, give up my dreams, give up my desires, become best friends with the person that made life for me possible, do the right things because I am so freaking in love and not out of obligation, and realize how messed up and broken I really am and in that realizing the ocean of grace I have been thrown into. I myself(my sin) murdered Jesus. My sin beat nails into his hands. Mocked him. Laughed at him. Turned my back on him. I had not grasped any of those truths until September. Honestly, its nothing I can explain because it was not me at all. It was completely God and God alone revealing these things to me. And its been the greatest blessing ever.
Loosing all of yourself and surrendering to a bigger story than our tiny little ambitions... honestly does not sound like fun to pretty much anyone.. but let me tell you these past few months have been the greatest Joy getting to know the most wonderful person to ever know. By greatest Joy let me warn you... I in NO WAY mean life is all perfect, because its not. Falling in love with Jesus is in no way easy, but i PROMISE you his love for us makes it worth it all! Worth it all for His Father and our fathers GLORY! Salvation is in no way about you or in no way about me. Its about a God that wants to be praised. A God that is soooo Jealous for You!! He wants you and me. Not just 50%... every single thought, desire, dream... He wants it all, because He wants those thoughts, desires, and dreams to be HIS. He wants to make you HIS. All of you. All of me. The God of everything wants YOU and ME..... helllo.... seriously is that not the coolest thing ever?
Let me say it again...GOD (the creator of everthing, the maker of the stars, the light of the world) yes... HE WANTS YOU! and only He can make that real to us. So lately... whats been going on with me is just honestly not saying "hey God take this day from me and make it yours." Just not a complete place of surrendering me daily. He has convicted me of that, and it has been beautiful. Next week maybe the next hour... I may stumble.. I may make my schedule to busy... but gosh its so humbling to know that He is still right there. Waiting to pour his glory down on us. He is waiting with love and grace. We just have to keep letting Him in. Its rest for us to do so. Its life for us to do so. Its joy for us to do so. And most of all its Glory for Him.
Wow... i have not really been that random with this blog which is really random in itself haha. However, I would like to give a random shout out to a Great Curly Headed Friend of mine who i talked about this with today. You know who you are! I have not forgotten about the vines, ill go back some random day. Just keep coming back... who knows it may get more random.
Download or Listen to: I Surrender by Kim Walker
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